“Nice guys finish last,” a Facebook friend, Mike, told me last night.
He was responding to my Facebook status where I asked, “Does anyone else get suspicious when a man is nice to you?”
It sparked a great deal of debate between men and women and it’s no wonder. There are enough guys out there who will use their “temporary nice guy skills” just long enough to get you into bed and then they ditch you as soon as they get what they want, leaving the women wondering “WTH?” And it comes in some very surprising forms: the shy guy you just met, the friend who helped you move, the married guy, the guy on Facebook trying to befriend you and even the ex boyfriend who once treated you like a queen who is now trying to demote you to a “f*** buddy.”
It’s extremely damaging to someone’s self esteem when they realize that this guy who they hoped they could build a good friendship or even relationship with, was nice enough just long enough to get them in the sack.
And there are enough girls out there falling for it that the genuine “nice guy” is sick of watching woman date the scummiest men in the world; especially when the girl goes after the “bad guy” knowing he’s a jerk but then complains when he treats her like crap.
“Limit your projects to the craft room or the neighbor who needs help, not the ass who just wants to bed you,” Steve replied to the comment thread.
And he’s right.
Sometimes we women go after “projects,” then blame all men when the guy was a jerk.
So I asked the question because there is someone in my life who doesn’t treat me like crap. I, of course, was pretty skeptical at first. The last time I thought a guy was incredible … well let’s just say that left me thinking that single sounds pretty damn good.
I’ve certainly met my fair share of wolves in sheep’s clothing, but mostly I just conveniently ignored the warning signs that were shooting so high in the air that total strangers were picking up on it.
So I asked my good friends on Facebook if they had experienced that same feeling when they met someone who was actually good to them.
“Always :/” Kathryn said.
Natasha suggested running away.
“It’s a sad day when a guy can’t be nice … Barney Fife would never have survived 2011,” said Steve.
Mike said he learned to be a good guy from his dad who is good to his mom, and suggested that I “just let him be nice to you.”
Ryan said: “So what your (sic) saying is if a guy wants a date with you he needs to treat you like crap? ;-} And women wonder why guys don’t understand them …”
Natasha added: “Jen, pay no mind. Stick to your gut. Not that men are cruel in general, but really for the most part it only matters how you feel not how they ‘play.’”
Well my gut in this situation is saying “Stick with it, Jen, and don’t screw this up. This guy is treating you well. Don’t blow it or go date another assclown or Mr. Unavailable, but stay grounded and sane and this relationship will work out. Get to know him, let him know you.”
“The point is find a giver to date…not a taker and life will be so much better,” Steve added.
The conversation continued on, including several emails I received from friends on both sides of the situation. One guy sent me an email saying how hard it is being a guy because women take advantage of him because they want something from him – and it’s not always sex.
Dating is hard, isn’t it? Single is so good. And just when I’ve got myself convinced of that I’m reminded that not everyone is a bad guy.
“There is hope out there,” Rebecca said. (Though she was actually referring to my status about how I made it through a morning with no Diet Coke and still didn’t kill anyone)