When You Just Can’t Get Over ‘The (Wrong) One’

15 May


I was viewing the top searches that bring readers to my blog and I saw some eerie similarities.

“when someone does you wrong”

“settling for less than we deserve”

“why do we settle for less than we deserve”

“why do we always settle for less than we deserve?”

“why do we girls take less than what we deserve in a man”

“why do men settle for less than true love”

“bad relationships and personal growth”

“dating a guy who does the bare minimum”

“do we always end up with the one we settle for”

A study was done that showed when people see a picture of their ex love, their brain sends off a powerful signal as bad as being burned with fire. And it feels like that doesn’t it – being burned alive?

I can list off numerous songs I would listen to every morning on my way to work that would bring back that pain all over again – even without the picture.

Darius Rucker “Come Back Song”

Chris Young “Tomorrow”

Zach Brown Band “Colder Weather”

Boys Like Girls “Love Drunk”

Kenny Chesney “Somewhere With You”

Easton Corbin “I Can’t Love You Back”

Garth Brooks “More Than A Memory”

Keith Anderson “Every Time I Hear Your Name”

Sara Evans “A Little Bit Stronger”

Those were the songs I tortured myself with every morning. And tortured is definitely the correct word. I tortured my friends, too. Finding ways to bring his name up in every conversation. I kept his family and friends on Facebook so that I could try to see how he was doing without actually having to call him. But when he did call or try to come back, I opened the door wide open.

Then one day, something happened. Without even thinking, I turned the radio station. “Tomorrow” by Chris Young was playing and I just turned it. Just like that. It wasn’t until after I had done it that I realized I had just made progress.

I can’t explain why we settle for less than we deserve but I know firsthand that we do it. And then we torture and blame ourselves when it doesn’t work out. Why do we choose a partner who puts little or no effort into us while we kill ourselves putting in so much effort for them that we lose site of who we are and what we really want? I don’t know.

But here is something I do know: If you are still obsessing over that person, you have lost sight of yourself. If you were focusing on yourself as much as you should be, they would slowly stop entering your mind so often. Think about this: Are they calling you only when they are drunk; only when they want a late night hook up; only sporadically, maybe once a month or less?

They don’t care about you. I know you want to believe they do. I know your heart is pounding through your chest whenever they do finally text (Natalie from Baggage Reclaim points out this is lazy communication and no one who respects you would resort to lazy communication if they are REALLY trying to right their wrongs and win you back).

I know it hurts. I know you feel like you are being burned alive. I know you are struggling to fall asleep at night or having nightmares when you do. I know it feels like you will never move on or fall in love again.

Maybe you’re calling them, texting them, driving by their house, stalking them on Facebook or the internet.


If you have any self-respect, you have to stop now! Not only is it just a way of pushing them further away from you, it’s embarrassing.

“But, Jen, he’ll change.”

“He said he loves me.”

“He’s sorry.”

“I’ll never find someone better.”

I know. I know. But you’re wrong. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for how incredible we truly are. You don’t need this person for you to be attractive and wanted. In fact, I’m going to bet this person brings you down. Ask your friends. Is your current obsession attractive? Are you really that happy when they’re around? Or are you always stressing about the next time they are going to leave?

Here are a few tips I want you to try after the break up and this means the next time they leave you.

-Have a good cry one time.

-Take all the things they gave you, all the photos, all the things in your home that remind you of this person and put them in a box (some people are ready to burn them and throw them out, most are not). Give this box to a good friend who will not let you have it back for four months.

-Write down the number, email, etc for this person and throw it in the box.

-Now delete, block, ban all forms of communication: cell phone, facebook, myspace, linked in, email. ALL forms of communication. Remember it’s in the box so it’s okay.

-Stop contacting them, allowing them to contact you and for heaven’s sake quit driving by their house and stalking their new girlfriend/boyfriend.

-If you see said person in public, a polite “hey there” is sufficient and get OUT. Seeing that person and staying to hang out with them is going to take you right back to step one. Trust me on that one. Just leave.

-If you hear said person is going to be somewhere, don’t go there. Don’t stay home miserable either. Go somewhere else with friends instead and get your mind off it.

-Now start focusing on you: Workout, haircuts, salon appointments (or DIY if you’re saving money). Things like getting out of debt, saving money, buying a new car, picking up a new hobby go a long way when you are trying to rebuild your self-esteem.

-Don’t date right away. Hang out with friends and after a few months you might be ready to start a few dates. Be careful of jumping into a quick relationship, you don’t want to make someone else the rebound. That just gets messy.

If you take some time to think about YOU for once instead of them, you’ll see a vast improvement on how quickly you begin to heal. And since you feel like you are being burned alive, who wouldn’t want that feeling to go away as quickly as possible?

I know it’s hard, but I know someday you’ll get to where I am and you’ll be singing this song: (once you get through the ‘angry’ stage and stop listening to Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood break up songs, that is)

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Posted by on May 15, 2011 in Relationships & Personal Growth


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