I met this guy (before you get excited note that I said I met, not I’m dating/seeing/in love with). He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t look at porn, he doesn’t go to strip clubs AND he puts the toilet seat down. Some of you are thinking “Too good to be true,” some of you are thinking “boring!”
My initial thought was, “No way, I’ve been looking for a guy like that for a LONG time.” And then, of course, like the smart guy he is, he reminded me that he has faults and that he has many imperfections and those items I stated above should be the bare minimum of what I would accept and that if I don’t, I’m selling myself short.
The bare minimum.
It wasn’t until recently that I put “no drinking/getting trashed/partying every night/can’t remember what he did the night before or who that girl was” on my deal breakers list. Alcohol just wasn’t that big of a deal to me until I had to live with it every day. But he had many other things that were on my deal breakers list that I conveniently looked past. Why? Why do we ignore the red flags that jump at us the first few weeks of meeting someone?
I contemplated on this last night for a long time after my conversation with Mr. Too-Good-To-Be-True-Who-I’m-Not-Even-Dating-But-My-Heck-He-Even-Puts-The-Toilet-Seat-Down.
I agree, for me and my personal situation, those should be a bare minimum. And I’ve met some great guys with those minimum qualifications in the past. Back then I thought “What do I have to offer? His standards are way higher than mine and he’ll never date a girl like me.” And although I have long forgiven myself for any indiscretions that made me feel that way, I always kept that thought in the back of my head: “Why would a guy like that be interested in me?”
Now here is a girl so independent and so confident, she decided to go up against one of the largest media companies in the country and start her own newspaper. Venturing out on my own at 18, I joined the military and haven’t looked back since. I raise two children, pay my own bills, live alone, have survived many medical scares and surgeries and physically take care of myself, working out nearly every day. That same girl still has it in the back of her mind that she doesn’t deserve a man who has the bare minimum requirements of what she wants in a guy. Imagine if I met a guy who had more than the bare minimum!
It’s kind of amusing when you put it out there and read it to yourself isn’t it? How can we possibly think so little of ourselves that we don’t think we deserve the minimum of whatever we decided our requirements are? That we will excuse and make excuses for those who openly tell us they possess our deal breakers?
My advice to you is the same one I am now following: Write down what you want, every little tiny detail: tall, dark hair, awkward and shy, drives a truck, likes to go camping and fourwheeling, etc. You may end up with a guy who’s shorter and blonde, but that’s not the point.
Now make another list of the things you absolutely cannot deal with – things that are an immediate deal breaker for your situation. That list is the one that is going to matter the most.
When you meet someone who has some of list 1: bonus. (Remember the 80/20 rule)
When you meet someone who has any of list 2: RUN.
You will get what you think you deserve in this life: whether it’s a relationship, career, friends, etc. If you treat yourself with more respect, others will to and you will see a sudden change in the way others treat way, because they will see how you treat yourself.