Have you ever ended something, but you weren’t REALLY ready for it to end? I’ve been taking baby steps in the last few weeks to close the door on something that has consumed the last nine months of my life.
About once a week I rip the bandaid and I remove something that reminds me of the last nine months – the roses got thrown away, the phone numbers blocked, the pictures removed from Facbeook, the relationship status changed, throwing away of the old bedding and pillows, the removal of any personal item in the home that reminded me, starting to talk to members of the opposite sex again but still haven’t ventured on a date yet; until all that is left is mutual friends. I don’t know if I kept them because I felt horribly guilty (did they really do anything wrong?) or if it was because I liked having that one little connection remaining? (they were removed this evening and I still feel quite horrible about it)
I have two friends that are still torturing themselves. They are either friends with their ex on Facebook, or still have the romantic photos up. I am on Facebook way too much to do that. It’s like a stab in the heart every time you log on, and then they have pics of them and someone new and the knife gets twisted and turned until you can’t take the pain and log off. I have referred them both to Baggage Reclaim – Natalie addresses that.
Last week I had an appointment that didn’t go as well as I would have liked. In fact, waiting to find out exactly how bad the news is has made it far worse than it probably is. I’m obsessing over the possibilities and researching everything instead of simply waiting for the news. But it made me realize something, I’m handling it. Yes, I’m starting to buckle, and then I found myself reaching out to friends that care and that are good for me instead of running back to the same old routine.
I have learned so much about myself in the last year – I’m stronger than I thought I was, more loving and caring than I thought I was, and I can accomplish just about anything I set my mind to. I’m also willing to take less crap than I did before and willing to walk away from things that are negative and filled with drama.
We only have so much time here, some less than others. I want to spend my time loving my family, being a role model, a catalyst for change and accomplish my dreams. I’ve had a lot of wake up calls in the last year, the last one just last week. The wake up calls help me to focus and re-energize. This last one helped me realize that if I want to be here for my two boys, I have to help my doctors by taking care of myself as best as I can – thus the reason for my quitting coffee and soda drinking – alcohol, as well, but I can’t remember the last time I really drank anyway. I’ll do what I can, and the rest is up to them and my Heavenly Father.